nostalgic.

Numb and broken,
Here I stand alone,
Wondering what were
The last words I said to you
Hoping, praying that I'll find a way
To turn back time,
Can I turn back time?
What would I give to behold.
The smile the face of love,
You never left me,
The rising sun
Will always speak your name.
Numb, i'm broken
Here i stand alone.
Wondering the words,
The last words i said to you
It won't be long
We'll meet again...
What would i give, to behold
The smile, the face of love?
You never left me
The rising sun
Will always speak your name
It won't be long, we'll meet again
Your memory is never passing
It won't be long, we'll meet again
My love for you is everlasting.
I mourn for those who never knew you
I mourn for those who never knew you
It won't be long, we'll meet again
Your memory is never passing
It won't be long, we'll meet again
My love for you is everlasting.
It won't be long, we'll meet again..
It won't be long, we'll meet again..
won't be long, we'll meet again..
It won't be long, we'll meet again..



This song was the song used in my friend's eulogy. I miss him right now, more than I thought I would after this long (although it hasn't been that long, it feels like it has).
I miss him more than words can express, this song fits my longing for my friend of 10 years.
I hate cancer.
And I hate liver failure.
I'm sitting on my bed, with my legs resting on my dresser.. and to my left is a picture, and to my right is a picture.
I surround myself with him, and today.. that hurts.
I cannot explain what this kid meant to me, I don't think I even realized how much he meant to me until he got sick.
He was the one person who would tell me the honest to god truth, whether I wanted to hear it or not.. he was the one of the few people I could trust with a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g.
and now he's gone.
And I'm still trying to deal with that..
But it's hard.
I forget about him..
and then I'll find my yearbook, or a journal I wrote about him.. and I am sucked back into the feeling of loss.

Don't get me wrong.. I never want to lose the memory of him... Rather, I will never lose the memory of him. But it's not the same:
" Memory can change the shape of a room; it can change the color of a car. And memories can be distorted. They're just an interpretation, they're not a record, and they're irrelevant if you have the facts."
That's how I feel about my memory of him.. every day I am losing a piece of it. I remember the sick him.. but I can't remember his laugh. I can hear him coughing but I can't fucking remember his laugh. I know what it's supposed to sound like, the tee hee of a pillsbury doughboy.. but I can't HEAR it.
I never even got a picture of us together. never. of the 10 years i knew him, we never once took a picture.. and that's one of the worst things.

3 days after you turn 21, you should not be allowed to pass on.
It should be a natural law or something..
But it's not.
And he's gone,
and all that's left is my memories, and some pictures.
It's not fucking enough.