Dreaming, picturing a whole world in slumber

Her office is filled with books, books I've read, books I've wanted to read, books I've never even heard of. I sit at her desk staring, waiting for my impending doom. I start to tear up thinking of all the trouble I've caused, all the disappointment I feel like I am [what two hours can change..]
She sits down and just looks at me.. we start with the basics.
The tears start to flow.
The kleenex and "stress turtle" is handed to me with a smile.
Constant interruptions.
Sporadic actions.
The discussion on the word 'sorry' and why we need to stop saying it.
Her close friendship with the word 'fuck'.
"Don't bull shit the bull shitter right?"
"Exactly. What a dick."


Time passes, I miss my train but these two hours are more important.
A woman who is more willing to help me than my own mother.
Then I hear the words that I can't stop hearing in my head,
"You have to stop thinking you are shit. Because honestly, you're not."

At that moment I realize: I do think I'm shit.
But deep down, I know I'm not.
It's just every time I hit a bump in the road, I see myself as a massive fuck up.
This is stopping.
Those words have been ringing through my head, only because of the realization not because of the nice statement that went along with it.

This shitty feeling is lifting, and I am finally seeing that it's ok to take detours in the road... as long as I get to where I want to be.

breaking point

I am at my breaking point.
I feel like I should give up, but I know I shouldn't.
I deserve it.
But at the same time, my mother makes me feel like I don't give 100%, when I tried my damndest to last term.

I think this is where I give up, I don't think I can be a teacher. I want to so bad, but this is really driving me insane....



to the point where I am about to break.

I cannot stand

when people spell things incorrectly in professional news articles, or web sites.
Granted, I am not perfect with spelling but come on...

what's the difference between "to" and "too"? We should all know this, ESPECIALLY if you're a journalist.

Those journalists look less credible if they cannot spell, and forget to use spell check.


Irritating.

the lovely CPS, Inc.

I cannot tell you what an amazing time i have at my job.
My job is "Recruiter's Assistant" and it consists of me doing many many different things:
. entering deadfile into the computer
. filing, etc.
. answering phones
. printing job leads
. printing applicants
. starbuck's bitch
etc. etc. etc.

So what I actually do isn't exciting. Nor is it very hard.
But.. but..
This is what I get when I walk in this morning:

"Caaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttooooooooo! What are you doing? Where's the reefer? Stop smoking the Reefer!"


Love love love work..

Spring Break, irritation, and friendship

Spring Break has commenced, and I cannot describe how I feel about it.
I am relieved that Finals Week is through, and hopefully got the grades I deserve after working my ass off this semester (I say I deserve them because I have never worked my ass off before for a semester, and just learned recently that you have to try your damndest, and this term, I did, I really did). I haven't really seen any of my friends yet, because a couple of them are still at school, a couple are on trips (LUCKY), and others are M.I.A.
But it's been all about family the two days I have been off so far. Yesterday (technically two days ago), I went off to the city with my cousin Olivia, and we spent the morning on State St. then headed to the North Side to visit our grandparents. What I love about the city is I can take the train to Union (only a 15 minute ride), walk to State, spend a couple hours there with family or friends, and then go on the "L" towards the North Side, get off at Addison, and BAM I am at my grandparents'. They took us to lunch, which is always an adventure. They never stop bickering, and my cousin and I are in the backseat giggling, like we were 8 and 7 again. We went to Leona's on Irving Park, which I had never been to, but they had an AMAZING Big Vegan Burger. I was happy to see something vegetarian on the menu since the whole ride over I heard, "Why do we have to go to Leona's Rose?" "Because Phil, you're Granddaughter is a vegetarian." "Vegetarian? Just like her mother!" "Phil, watch the rode! You missed the turn" .. giggles in the background.

After that, they drove me home, and I went to bed at 8:30, because apparently, during finals I didn't get enough sleep.

Today (technically yesterday), I slept in, took my car in to get a lovely oil change and was off to the Chicago Premium Outlet Mall to meet my Preggers Cousin Lisa. I call her Preggers, because she gets pissed about it. And ever since I was a kid, I would always boast about our age difference (she's 6 years older than me). She would get so mad when I would tell her about how I was turning such and such age and she was turning ____ . Anyways, we did absolutely no shopping, and sat in the food court and talked for a good 3 hours. It was nice just to catch up, with her teaching, married, and a baby on the way, she is very hard to get a hold of, and it was nice just to sit down for 3 hours and chat. The most entertaining part was watching a man put 8 PACKETS OF SALT ON HIS HOT DOG. COUNT THEM--EIGHT. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8.
Jesus, that was awful. And people wonder why Americans are deemed fat. And I know I am not skinny, but 8 packets of salt? Just looking at that will raise your cholesterol and give you a heart attack! PEOPLE COME ON. Anyways, after that I came home, and did nothing, except read some of my book: Life of Pi by Yann Martel, which I am not THAT big of a fan. I have heard such great things about this book so I knew the moment I bought it I'd be disappointed, but thought I would give it a try. So I am going to try to finish this asap, so I can start reading the Great Shark hunt and other stories by Hunter S. Thompson. I want that done by spring break.

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, aka Amateur Night to my dad, but he still is going to drink with me. He's been yelling at me all day about the fake Irish of tomorrow. "I can't believe you want to drink tomorrow Caitlin, that doesn't even make sense. You are Irish, always. We always drink. You know it, I know it. What do we need St. Patrick's Day for? It's just another Saturday to me." I told him that we're still having vodka, whether he likes it or not. We shall see if that pulls through.

Next week I start work 8-5 again, and I cannot wait. I miss working so much. Not only because of money, but because of the people. They are some of the most amazing people I've met, and I cannot wait to see them again, and constantly be around the insanity of CPS, Inc.

Alright, it's 2am. I should be in bed, but since I slept 10 hours last night, I am not tired. So I am off to read my lame book, so I can get a head start on the good one.

nostalgic.

Numb and broken,
Here I stand alone,
Wondering what were
The last words I said to you
Hoping, praying that I'll find a way
To turn back time,
Can I turn back time?
What would I give to behold.
The smile the face of love,
You never left me,
The rising sun
Will always speak your name.
Numb, i'm broken
Here i stand alone.
Wondering the words,
The last words i said to you
It won't be long
We'll meet again...
What would i give, to behold
The smile, the face of love?
You never left me
The rising sun
Will always speak your name
It won't be long, we'll meet again
Your memory is never passing
It won't be long, we'll meet again
My love for you is everlasting.
I mourn for those who never knew you
I mourn for those who never knew you
It won't be long, we'll meet again
Your memory is never passing
It won't be long, we'll meet again
My love for you is everlasting.
It won't be long, we'll meet again..
It won't be long, we'll meet again..
won't be long, we'll meet again..
It won't be long, we'll meet again..



This song was the song used in my friend's eulogy. I miss him right now, more than I thought I would after this long (although it hasn't been that long, it feels like it has).
I miss him more than words can express, this song fits my longing for my friend of 10 years.
I hate cancer.
And I hate liver failure.
I'm sitting on my bed, with my legs resting on my dresser.. and to my left is a picture, and to my right is a picture.
I surround myself with him, and today.. that hurts.
I cannot explain what this kid meant to me, I don't think I even realized how much he meant to me until he got sick.
He was the one person who would tell me the honest to god truth, whether I wanted to hear it or not.. he was the one of the few people I could trust with a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g.
and now he's gone.
And I'm still trying to deal with that..
But it's hard.
I forget about him..
and then I'll find my yearbook, or a journal I wrote about him.. and I am sucked back into the feeling of loss.

Don't get me wrong.. I never want to lose the memory of him... Rather, I will never lose the memory of him. But it's not the same:
" Memory can change the shape of a room; it can change the color of a car. And memories can be distorted. They're just an interpretation, they're not a record, and they're irrelevant if you have the facts."
That's how I feel about my memory of him.. every day I am losing a piece of it. I remember the sick him.. but I can't remember his laugh. I can hear him coughing but I can't fucking remember his laugh. I know what it's supposed to sound like, the tee hee of a pillsbury doughboy.. but I can't HEAR it.
I never even got a picture of us together. never. of the 10 years i knew him, we never once took a picture.. and that's one of the worst things.

3 days after you turn 21, you should not be allowed to pass on.
It should be a natural law or something..
But it's not.
And he's gone,
and all that's left is my memories, and some pictures.
It's not fucking enough.

isn't it ironic

don't you think?




a little too ironic...





yeah, i really do think.


























At least tomorrow is my last f-in final for this term. So at 9:30 in the morning, i am on spring break.
thank you thank you thank you.

choices

I hate them....



and for this choice, i know i'm not going to be able to pull it off..

thank the lord

For comics like these

p.s.

Ryan (Hansen) gave me a CD entitled, "As Tall As Lions"....

And now, since then, I have not been able to stop the flow of this lovely band. I recommend anyone to this band... I should thank Parker too, because apparently he gave that cd to Ryan.


Thanks dudes, for the great music....




caitlin out.

booze and drunken texts

Last night was an absolute blast.
I don't like going to parties for a friend of a friend. I never did. At U of I, I had a panic attack on the balcony because I could not stand feeling like I didn't know these people, and I was a random. But that's just a day in my brain, anxiety, fucking blows.




... back to last night...
I get there and it's a shack. Literally, this place is very tiny, and don't get me wrong the girl works her ass off probably to pay for it (and lives with both her mother and her sister) but the place is a dump. This kind of thing will happen. So I walk in with Kate, Kerri, and Hodges, Kerri carrying her lovely box filled with soda and alcohol for all of us. I get inside, and for a few minutes I want to leave. I've met these people maybe once before, but Kate disappears and I think, "Well, this will be interesting." But Kate sits down, and I end up sitting down, light a smoke, and enjoy myself very much.
Through the noise of people yelling, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIMMY!" I hear.. "Take a sad song and make it better..." I jump from my seat and start pounding my fist with about 10 other people singing along. That was a whole new experience, yes, my friends that I hang out with at home definitely jam out to music, but not to 97.1 fm the drive. You do not screw with that station.
Later, when all was said and done, and Kerri and I were falling asleep on the lawn chairs, PK (Kate's dad aka Papa Ken) came to pick us up... and mind you, I was not all there, and neither was anyone else. But he still wanted to pick us up, and he drove us to White Castle. That's a dad right there. 2am and he's driving us to White castle.
Good times.

The night was amazing, and now I'm starting to work on my last paper that's due of the term. And start to study for 3 exams I have this week (1 each day).
Hopefully, I don't fail any, which I probably won't because I have been pretty good with studying and keeping up with things....


Now I'm off to watch Zach Galifianakis perform some lovely comedy. (Please check him out for the your sake!)

life because i haven't written

Life is going so well right now. I am too happy, and honestly, it scares me.
My friends are great, I've been meeting new people, which is always a great thing.
School is stressful, but it's 10th week so what does one expect? I know that I will get everything done that I need to, but I'm still really stressed and worrisome.

This weekend will be insanity if I do all the things I want to:
Friday Night: going with my sister to see Zodiac (this is still in question)
Saturday-morning: Basic Skills Test @ 7:30 in the morning, that I'm a bit nervous about but hopefully if I don't freak out.
Saturday-afternoon: IF I play my cards right, lol, I might go one my surprise adventure, also if the weather is good.
Saturday-night: I don't know exactly what's going on, but I know I need to start studying, and I have to get my paper done for Monday.
Sunday: Study, study, study. maybe coffee but paper writing and studying for sure.


Man, so much to do .. so little time...